


Captain America's Gay Fling

by zorilleerrant



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-21 14:17:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7390537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zorilleerrant/pseuds/zorilleerrant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve has an extremely gay birthday party. Tony misunderstands things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Captain America's Gay Fling

Walking into the ballroom to find it decorated in rainbows and little smiling cartoon penises (as well as the requisite American flags), Tony thought maybe Steve did know what it meant after all.

_“Here,” Steve said, grinning, and handed Tony a flyer._

_“Thanks,” Tony said, reflexively, then stared at it for a full minute. “Steve.”_

_Steve turned around halfway out the door. “What, too busy to celebrate my birthday?”_

_Tony held the flyer up, jabbing at it with a vehement finger. “Do you know what this means? ‘Gay Fling’”_

_“Why, yes, Anthony, it means ‘fun party’,” Steve said, wide-eyed._

Tony poured himself a glass of punch. With little penis shaped ice cubes floating in it. And tiny rainbow colored umbrellas to decorate your drink with. Tony felt a little underdressed.

“Oh, didn’t have another commitment after all,” Steve said, with a grin.

“Uh,” Tony agreed. “Right.”

Steve laughed. “Pepper said you had to move the company picnic earlier.”

“Well, earlier was lunchtime, so.” Tony shrugged. “I guess that makes more sense.” More sense than what Tony was seeing right before his eyes, anyway. Some sort of…confetti cannon? Only it was shooting condoms?

“Enjoying my party?” Steve asked, with what Tony was sensing was some sort of innuendo or double-entendre or maybe just sarcasm or something.

“You’re gay!” Tony blurted. Then cringed. That was not the sort of thing you blurted out. Well, it was the sort of thing Tony blurted out all the time, but it still wasn’t polite.

“Yes, Tony,” Steve said.

“No,” Tony said. “I mean, like, gay. Like. You like men. In a sex way. Well, I assume in a sex way, but maybe just romantically, I don’t know, I don’t mean to dictate what you like.”

“Yes, Tony,” Steve said. “I know what you meant.”

“Not like happy.” Tony said. “I mean not that you shouldn’t be happy being gay.”

_“I’m gay,” Steve said, fingers clenched tight around a coffee mug._

_Tony, staring at the white-knuckled grip, said, “well, you don’t look it.”_

_“What’s that supposed to mean, Tony?” Steve said, voice dipping lower._

_Tony, who didn’t always remember exactly what he’d said wrong, but knew when to admit it, at least to himself, asked him, “okay, Cap. What are you gay about?”_

“I am, actually,” Steve said. “Quite happy.”

“Yeah, that’s, uh,” Tony said. “Woo, progress, and all.”

Steve beamed at him.

“Bet that was a shock to suddenly figure out,” Tony said. “I mean, they unfreeze you and suddenly you can just see dudes boning everywhere. Well, not everywhere. The internet.”

Steve tilted his head. “It, uh, wasn’t all that sudden, actually.”

“Oh, right,” Tony said, nodding at him. “Took you a while to find the internet.”

Steve frowned. “Tony, do you assume I just never masturbated or anything?”

Tony choked on his punch.

_“Look,” Steve said, “I said I’d ‘never found the right girl’, I never said I was a virgin.”_

_Tony stared at him. “I have no idea what you mean, Steve, I really don’t. I literally can’t even parse that statement.”_

_“Look, you didn’t invent sex, Tony,” Steve said._

_“What, me, personally? Or, like, modern society?” Tony asked, “because I’ve never been under the impression I was quite that talented. I did have parents. And, to be clear, I was not under the impression they invented sex, either. Oh, horrible image.”_

_“I worked for the USO, Tony,” Steve said, then paused. “Also, I went to war after that, and, you know, we were around zero women for long stretches of time.”_

_“Yeah, that’s fine,” Tony said. “I wasn’t judging. Virginity is nothing to be ashamed of.”_

“Because while I do appreciate being able to find what I like fairly easily,” Steve said, “I do have a vivid imagination and am quite capable of employing it.”

“Right,” Tony said, with a very shrill laugh. “Right, you’re an artist. You’ve got to be good at visualizing stuff. Or whatever.”

“We can stop talking about this at any time, Tony,” Steve told him, patting his shoulder.

“How come you never said?” Tony asked plaintively.

“I did,” Steve admonished. “I told you this many times.”

“When?” Tony demanded.

Steve sighed. “Well, I don’t know, you didn’t like it when I said ‘gay’, so I tried a whole bunch of other ones.”

“Which other ones?” Tony shook his head. “I don’t remember this at all. I think this never happened.”

Steve started ticking off on his fingers, “confirmed bachelor,

_“Don’t you want to settle down with a nice girl, have babies, that sort of thing?” Tony asked, “I mean, isn’t that the whole ’40’s dream or whatever?”_

_“I’m a confirmed bachelor, Tony,” Steve said, with an exasperated sigh._

_“Yeah, Steve, I don’t think that means what you think it means anymore,” Tony said._

_“It means,” Steve said, drawing it out, “that I am confirmed. As a bachelor. I will always be a bachelor, Tony. I am never going to marry a woman.”_

_Tony nodded. “Steve, you should maybe be careful about phrasing it that way.”_

“enjoy the company of other men,

_“Well, I really more enjoy the company of other men,” Steve added._

_“Oh, I know,” Tony said, “I mean, yeah, it can be a lot easier to just pal around with the guys, I mean, especially for you, women weren’t really around much, yeah?”_

_Steve frowned in confusion._

_“Well, you can be friends with, uh, dames, ‘dames’, right? You can be friends with them, now,” Tony said, “and you’re never going to get a date if you don’t.”_

“queer,

_“I’m queer, Tony, that’s what I mean,” Steve clarified._

_Tony snorted into his fist._

_“What?” Steve snapped._

_“Oh, well, I mean, you’re not that weird, though,” Tony said, “well, I mean a little bit. But you’re Captain America! Ladies are going to like you no matter how strange you act.”_

_“I didn’t mean that I was odd, Tony,” Steve said._

_“Also,” Tony whispered, “you maybe don’t want to use that word that way.”_

“bent,

_“Because I’m bent, Tony!” Steve said._

_“Bent?” Tony asked._

_Steve nodded vigorously. “Yes. You’ve got it now?”_

_“Is that, is that some sort of…slang?” Tony said._

_Steve sighed. “Yes, Tony. Yes. It’s some sort of slang.”_

_“I don’t,” Tony said, “I don’t get your slang, I don’t think. I don’t know what that means. I mean, I know what it means, you know, not in this context. This context? Doesn’t scan.”_

_“It’s, it’s a word, Tony,” Steve stammered, “it means the same as queer. Well. I think it’s a little more insulting. But, basically the same.”_

_“Oh. Oooooh,” Tony said, “this is because I told you not to use ‘queer’.”_

“man’s man,

_“I,” Steve said, enunciating every syllable, “am a man’s man.”_

_“Sure, no one manlier,” Tony agreed. “Captain America, man’s man of all man’s…men? Men’s men? Men’s man? No, that one’s definitely not right.”_

_Steve snorted and covered a laugh with a cough._

_“We’re getting off topic, Steve,” Tony said._

“queen,

_“A queen, Tony,_

“fairy,

_“a fairy,_

“friend of Dorothy,” Steve said.

_“a friend of Dorothy,” Steve said._

“Oh, I kind of assumed the last one meant you just really liked Wizard of Oz,” Tony said. “You know, on account of it being the only movie that happened before you got frozen.”

“What?” Steve said, “there were a lot of movies back then, Tony.”

“Are you sure?” Tony asked, “I mean I can’t think of any.”

“You have literally talked to me about Metropolis in depth more than half a dozen times!” Steve said. “You called it your favorite movie!”

_“And I mean,” Tony said, “people rely far too much on special effects, I think, CGI, you know, and you don’t need it to make a really great movie.”_

_“Oh, no, I totally agree,” Steve said. “I love that movie.”_

_“Oh, has JARVIS showed it to you?” Tony asked._

_“At least three times,” Steve said, with a grin, “thanks for showing me how to get into the film library, there’s a lot of really great stuff in there.”_

_“Find anything fun?” Tony asked._

_“Oh, lots of stuff,” Steve said, “I’m finding new things all the time.”_

_“Watching through your required viewing list?” Tony added, with a nudge._

_Steve laughed. “Yes, Tony, I’m watching through the ‘classics’.”_

“Oh, wow,” Tony said. “I did not know that movie was that old.”

Steve threw his hands in the air. “What, did you think it was just black and white and silent because it was made by hipsters?”

“Hipsters?” Tony repeated.

“Yes, Tony, hipsters,” Steve said. “You know, the only people who would make a modern silent film.”

“How do you know what a hipster is?” Tony asked.

“I swear suspenders.” Steve shook his head. “Do you know how many of other people’s suspenders I sign?”

“Really?” Tony asked. “Well, I guess I sign a lot of duct tape, so.”

“I signed a monocle once,” Steve added. “A couple tins of mustache wax, once an actual mustache, well, a fake mustache, these jeans with this –”

“Do you ever sign any American flag suspenders?” Tony asked.

“No,” Steve said. “Well, sometimes, but they usually say it’s ironic, and Captain America does not truck with ironic patriotism, son.”

“Do you ever sign any American flag bras?” Tony asked.

“Not if people are wearing them,” Steve said, “that would be public indecency.”

“Do you ever sign any American flag panties?” Tony asked.

“I don’t know why you think this is titillating, Tony,” Steve said. “Are you trying to embarrass me? Do you notice the dick shaped lollipop currently in my hand?”

“Oh, yeah,” Tony said, looking at it. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“What the hell did you expect me to say about it, Tony?” Steve cried.

“You could have used homosexual,” Tony said. “That would’ve been pretty fucking hard to misinterpret.”

“You would’ve found a way, Tony,” Steve said.

Tony pouted.

“Besides, I’m a little uncomfortable with the history of the medicalism of the term,” Steve added.

Tony furrowed his brow.

“Plus, I used ‘homophile’ with Director Fury and he stared at me for six minutes and then finally said, ‘oh, you’re gay!’” Steve continued.

“Six minutes exactly?” Tony asked.

“To a tenth of a second,” Steve confirmed. “I didn’t trust my internal clock so I actually timed the security footage, and, yeah.”

“Did he do it on purpose?” Tony asked.

“How should I know?” Steve asked. “I don’t know what the point would’ve been.”

“What does homophile mean?” Tony asked.

“It means I’m _gay_ , Tony,” Steve said.

“Huh,” Tony said, “this explains all the shit with rainbows on it everywhere.”

 

_“Hey,” said a kid who looked just barely old enough to be at the bar, leaning in._

_Steve stared at him. “Hey.”_

_The kid grinned. “Can I buy you a drink?”_

_Steve, perfectly used to people recognizing him while he was socializing, said, “sure.”_

_The kid frowned, then laid a hand carefully on Steve’s forearm. “Can I buy you a drink?”_

_Steve looked down at the hand. “You, uh, maybe don’t want to do that, kid.”_

_The kid snatched his hand away, looking hurt._

_“I meant in public,” Steve said._

_The kid smiled again. “Oh, no, it’s alright. People here are pretty friendly.”_

_Steve frowned, gesturing vaguely at one of the tables. “Aren’t you afraid you’re going to get arrested? I know for a fact those two are cops.”_

_“Arrested?” the kid repeated._

_“Well, you know,” Steve said, and gestured between the two of them. “This is illegal.”_

_“What? No it’s not,” and the kid launched into a very detailed list of all the things that were not, in fact, illegal._

_“In that case,” Steve said, “yes, you can very much buy me a drink.”_

_The kid pumped a fist into the air. “Hell yes, I knew Captain America would be gay.”_

_Steve nodded enthusiastically. “I am extremely gay to know that sodomy is legal.”_


End file.
